Tuesday, 2 January 2007

Our first XMAS with the boys!

We bought a proper pine tree, none of these plastic trees that we reused and more and more bits went missing every year. Our first XMAS with the boys, as a whole family :) Of course they have no idea what's going on, but we'll show them the photos when they're older. Next year they should have some idea...or maybe the year after. They're 8 calendar months old now! Or 26 weeks corrected.

Mum still doesn't know about them, I feel very bad about it...guilty, ashamed, embarrassed...but I agreed that it is for the better, the boys aren't really missing out on anything by not knowing my family. Other than to say that they have a grandma, uncle, etc, but all of them are unconscious people who would more than likely pass on negative values to them. B is right in that I want them to know only for my own reasons, I'm not thinking of the boys' needs first. I feel like I'm living a secret life, I am really, but I never see my family anyway nowdays. I last saw mum a couple of weeks ago, only briefly, and before that it was around March!

I've thought about writing to Dr. Phil to ask his advice on what I should do about this constant guilt, whether I should tell them or just leave it as it is and when they somehow find out, just deal with it then...my problem with the latter is what if it's like a few years before they find out, how will I explain why i have 2 toddlers that they don't know about!? But in reality, it's already passed that stage, they are already 8 months old, maybe 6 months ago I could have said "the pregnancy was really stressful and B nearly died, so we decided to keep it quiet so that we wouldn't have to deal with family at the same time"...or some shit like that. But it's way too late for that now.

On the one hand I respect B's decision to keep them from my family, they are her children too and she has a 50% say in what happens to them. But on the other hand, my traditional upbringing is telling me that what I am doing is WRONG, family should come first, how dare I keep this from them, etc, etc.

I've told B how I feel and said that I might not be able to handle it much more and I'd have to tell them, but we agreed that I'd tell her well in advance before that happened. I should really think carefully about what the consequences of my actions would be, just do a pros and cons list...


  • My guilt would be relieved and I wouldn't have to constantly battle the feeling of being a bad son/family member.
  • The boys would know that extended family (this could arguably be a con), and would not have to explain to friends/teacher why they don't know their grand parents.
  • They would be subjected to their negative, selfish, traditional values and possible abusive behaviour.
  • B would be stressed every time we visited them.
  • They would want to see them when they want, not when we want.
Fairly even in numbers, but the severity of the cons far out weigh the pros...my struggle continues...

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