nightmare

Woke up from a nightmare about my family...couldn't get back to sleep so got up and spoke to Bunnie about it.

My dad called and said that the police are ringing him about my car which has been reportedly used in some sort of crime (ram-raid or something) at 3 different locations across Australia at the same time! I said that I know what that is, my reg plates have a bad history associated with them, that it's a misunderstanding and obviously that I didn't do it. But he was in a panic anyway and wanted to meet up, he was with S1.

Before I could leave to meet them, S2 was at home with me and we were watching a home video of when he cracked a fit and started assaulting everyone in the family. The clip showed him pointing a gun and threatening us with it. As I sat on top of him and pointed my finger in his face accusingly, I said "there, is that what you want to do to us? Shoot us???" He then saw how wrong it was and calmed down. That is what I feel his behaviour is like, pointing a load weapon into our faces! That's the sort of tactics he uses! Does no one else see this???

This got me thinking about my mum and hiding the babies from her, etc. B and I then talked about all this shit...I feel alot better now. She has been through this before, she's disowned her mother, it took her a long time to do it, but she's done it. It was very hard for her, i remember.

I'm not at the stage where I can see my mother for what she is, a very crappy human being, who doesn't really care about anyone but herself. I still see her as my mother, some I am supposed to respect, no matter what...but why? Just coz she's my mother? She's a human being, why doesn't she have to treat me like any other human being should, decently and with respect???

I feel bad about hiding our pregnancy from her, the more I think about it the worse I feel. But I know that it's the only way. We don't want our children to be influenced by her and Simon. Their negativity, aggressiveness, selfishness, etc, etc. B's biggest fears with mum is her forceably taking the babies away from her/us, and secondly her trying to breastfeed them when she's alone with them. Both of these scenarios are somewhat likely to happen, maybe not VERY likely but likely enough to warrant us preventing it altogether.

I am afraid of all this too, but I;m more thinking about what would happen when/if they find out! For example, what would I say if mum said that my uncle saw us at the market with the babies, or something like that. Why do I care about this? It's a hypothetical! Why do I care so much about what they think???